Behind every feeling is a need

Universal Feelings and Needs

I've found the work of psychologist and author, Marshall Rosenberg, personally very helpful. He created a process called Nonviolent Communication (nvc) to help people communicate, manage conflict, and find peace.

Most helpful to me was his understanding that there are universal needs behind every feeling. Universal needs fall under these categories: Sustenance, Safety, Love, Empathy, Creativity, Recreation, Sense of Belonging, Autonomy, and Meaning

When your needs are met, you might feel: adventurous, loving, affectionate, excited, alive, peaceful, calm, playful, confident, relaxed, happy, satisfied, tender, curious, hopeful, delighted, thrilled, energetic, joyful, touched, etc.

When your needs aren’t met, you might feel agitated, embarrassed, exasperated, discouraged, overwhelmed, flustered, protective, angry, sad, heartbroken, scared, anxious, helpless, confused, hopeless, impatient, devastated, irritated, lonely, etc.

Try putting the above feelings in the last half of this sentence: “When _____ happened/s, I felt/feel _______.” Now think about what need was or wasn’t being met or is or isn’t being met.
Just understanding this concept can change the way you understand your feelings AND other people’s feelings! Start with “I feel _______ because my need for _______ is not being met.”

Example:

• “I feel angry because my need for respect is not being met.”

• “I feel anxious because my need to be heard is not being met.”

• “I feel impatient because my need for understanding is not being met.”

When you want to understand what someone else is going through, ask them:

“Do you feel _______ because your need for _______ is not being met?”

• “Do you feel frustrated because your need for cooperation is not being met?”

• “Do you feel upset because your need for consistency is not being met?

• Do you feel lonely because your need for emotional connection is not being met?”

The great thing about this is you don’t have to get it right. You’re asking them to correct you if you’re wrong. AND it shows that you want to understand.

So often conversations get tense because we don’t know why we’re feeling the way we do. By naming the feeling and uncovering the need, you end up talking about the real issues and the tension decreases rapidly. This will definitely feel awkward and vulnerable, so practicing alone or with someone else is helpful. Right now, you can think about your last tense conversation. What do you remember feeling?

What need wasn’t being met? Maybe it was:

Sleep, safety, integrity, acceptance, companionship, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, warmth, compassion, trust, consistency, inclusion, love, mutuality, respect, stability, support, to be heard or seen or known or understood, humor, ease, agency, equality, order, choice, independence, space, spontaneity, clarity, competence, creativity, hope, mourning, purpose, participation, self-expression, to matter, and a whole lot more.